34

A couple of weeks ago, my wife purchased for me a new shirt and some shorts for my birthday. When I opened the box containing the shorts, she said, “I think they’re your size (34), but they look big.”

Sigh…

Now, I have no illusions that I’ve maintained my pre-marriage weight. I mean, who can with all the dining out that today’s lifestyle almost requires; not to mention all the junk we have lying around the house for the kids. And oh Lord, but I love cheese!

In an attempt at balancing out my slovenly lifestyle, I also work out approximately 4-5 times per week in addition to any yardwork I do in the interim, so ultimately, I blame my mom’s genes for my sluggish metabolism. And I can’t expect umpteen cups of coffee to keep me ramped up when faced with 8 hours of office-cubicle chair sitting.

But it’s a wake-up call when your wife, very innocently, says you look fat. So here I am today eating protein shakes and fruit, while just trying to make it through the day without gassing the place out. (did I say that out loud?)

Coincidentally, or not, I also turned 34 this year and I sincerely hope this doesn’t become a new trend. When I’m sixty, I’d rather not have a similarly numbered waist size.

Kids: 40 years from now when you find this blog somewhere and you read it, don’t think of your old dad as a narcissistic schmutz. Just remember that once, I too aspired for underwear model greatness.

Tummy Time

For nigh on two months now, our youngest son has enjoyed sleeping in his crib, on his stomach.

GASP!

Reason: When he was colicky, not even the beloved Fisher Price Swing would calm him down, but sleeping on his tummy did. Hey, you put up with a screaming kid for two months and see what levels of unbelievable irresponsibility you’ll sink to. From my viewpoint, sleeping on his tummy is a minor transgression.

I know, I know, we’re terrible parents, what with the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and all. Let me stress here that he has been able to hold his head up by himself the whole time and we never cover him with a blanket any higher than to his waist. So there’s very little chance he’ll suffocate in any way, shape or form.

Yesterday, he started daycare and they made it very clear that they “could not/would not” put him on his stomach to sleep. My wife said, “OK, but he’s gonna cry.”

And he did. However, when my wife checked on him during her lunch break, he was on his tummy sound asleep. This morning though, we were told that they got in trouble yesterday (State Law: and who the hell tattled anyway?) and that if we wanted them to continue to put him on his tummy we’d need a Dr’s note.

Really? Is this the level of government intervention we’ve fallen to? What happened to letting the parent decide what is best for his or her child? No, I’m not niaive. I know that parents have been subjected to the whims of the state for years (vaccinations, spankings, etc) but telling me how my child can and cannot sleep is a little over the top.

But really, let’s look at the reasons for this Law. Here are some quotes regarding SIDS:

• “Exactly why SIDS occurs remains elusive.” Mayo Clinic
• “Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is the sudden death of an infant under 1 year of age which remains unexplained after a thorough case investigation…” SidsCenter.org

So I think we can all agree that we don’t know for sure why SIDS occurs. However, to be fair, statistics also say that since the whole “Back To Sleep” campaign started, SIDS rates have declined by 38%.

But still, the “guesses” as to why SIDS occurs include everything from Electromagnetic fields, to pet dander, to vaccinations. In fact, studies show that vaccines are overwhelmingly the #1 choice for the cause of SIDS:

” A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that children diagnosed with asthma (a respiratory ailment not unlike SIDS) were five times more likely than not to have received pertussis vaccine.(1) Another study found that babies die at a rate eight times greater than normal within three days after getting a DPT shot.(2) The three primary doses of DPT are given at two months, four months, and six months. About 85 percent of SIDS cases occur at one through six months, with the peak incidence at age two to four months.” ThinkTwice.com

Bottom line: While I’m sensitive to the argument that sleeping on the tummy increases the chance of SIDS, I also subscribe to the theories that there is generally an underlying problem that causes SIDS and that sleeping on the tummy is not the cause.

Really, I’m more ticked about the government’s involvement. From seatbelts to my child’s sleeping patterns, they’re overstepping their bounds.

Oh to be loved…

Dads hold special places in the hearts of their children, or so I like to believe. Being the disciplinarian in our family, I understand why my “eldest” typically prefers mom, over dad, for most playtime activities, and generally for anything else whenever we are both around. Which I’m fine with. I grew up an only child for the most part, so my imagination skills are somewhat lacking (when I was a kid, my idea of “fun” by myself was putting on old 45 records of “Jerry Clower” and reciting the jokes along with him); plus I get restless sitting on the floor moving little Thomas the Tank Engine wooden trains around the tracks for an hour. Call me crazy.

Last night was not unlike any other night. I cooked dinner (breakfast food, yum!) and my wife and I sat down with the baby at the table and my eldest son, who hasn’t pooped in like 4 days, decided he didn’t care to join us, yet again. I, attempting to bring back the “family” in “family dinner” told my son to come to the table and sit with us even if he didn’t want to eat–”Dammit!” (OK, I didn’t actually say the word, but my tone pretty much did)

Eldest Son, “NO! I want you to go to work.”

Whaddya gonna do? I finally got him to the table under threat of both a spanking (Gasp! Yes, folks, I DO spank my children), and at the risk of his losing a happy face, which means that getting that new train he’s been wanting has to wait yet another day until some random point in the future.

After dinner, I went out to water plants. My wife comes out the door, then my son and she says, “What were you going to tell daddy?”
Son: “I’m sowwy daddy for huwting yow feewings.”

How can you stay mad at that? I know, I know, SUCKER!

Guilty as charged.

Temporary Insanity

If we’re all truthful with ourselves (and the Internet), there are times, as a parent, when you question your ability to follow through. When the baby has been crying non-stop for hours, or, it’s waaay past any sane person’s bedtime and the baby is still going strong, while you’re little more than a walking zombie, I would imagine most of us empathize (if not sympathize) with these parents who flip out and do something unspeakable to their children. I truly believe that in those times, parents do temporarily go out of their mind. And I don’t mean that in a glib sort of way. I mean that in the most medically-relevant way possible. No loving parent would ever willingly do something bad to their children, but it takes patience of almost god-like proportions to remain calm and nurturing when the baby is at its worst.

That was me last night.

After having been up for nearly 5 hours with no nap, our little “angel” had gone to sleep numerous times, only to wake up the second you tried to put him down. I’d give him a bottle, and he’d suck on it with enough force to unclog a straw clogged with cheese grits–all the while grunting and breathing as if he’d just run a 10K marathon.

I was to the point of trying to find ear plugs so I didn’t have to listen to the grunting. I mean, I’ve heard of baby’s crying and it driving parents crazy, but just their breathing? What’s wrong with me when that noise makes me want to see if I can put my hand clean through the sheetrock AND the stud it’s attached to?

Luckily, there are two of us and I finally passed him off around 9 p.m. where he struggled for more than an hour more with my wife before succumbing to exhaustion.

Something’s gotta give. My prayer, “Dear God, after putting up with colic for nearly 3 months before you gave us a smile to hang onto, please make him want to go to bed by 8, so I can feel like a normal human being again. Thanks.!“