Rush Hour Epiphany
I Facebooked about a mid-life epiphany I had on the way to work this morning. I’m sitting there in my truck in bumper to bumper traffic less than a mile from my house. The sun is coming in my front window at an annoying angle so blindingly that it’s exacerbating an already ruthless rush hour. And as I’m sitting there, the thought runs through my head, “This is it? This is fricking it?”
I’ve had thoughts like this before, so this isn’t new, but they’re happening more frequently. And as these thoughts go through my head (today’s helped along by listening to Bryan Adams’ “Summer of 69” on the radio and pondering all the things that song COULD mean), I think back and realize that my whole life has been pretty blah.
Oh sure, I had flashes of brilliance—some really great girlfriends, the promise of adventure and travel in the military, some really great jobs that I blew off for one (perfectly valid) reason or the other. But in the end, instead of being “there,” I am here.
I accept partial blame. I’m NOT a risk-taker. I’m not a money spender. I’m comfortable being comfortable and that’s a dangerous thing to look back on when you’re in your late thirties and you see how rote your days have become. I’m SO looking forward to Christmas this year largely because it’s something to get excited about. Certainly dragging ass into the office isn’t doing it for me. My marriage is fine, if unexciting. My kids are full of excitement, but I just can’t keep up with them and everything else my boring life, house, job, marriage requires.
But, giving myself credit here, I have no hankering for a flashy red sports car, and while a mistress might spice things up for a while, I’m too averse to the risk that comes with that kind of dalliance.
As I write this, the responses to my Facebook post roll in and they run the gamut of, “Only you can change it,” to “unless you move to a farm and become self-sufficient…suck it up!”
Ah, the wisdom of the masses…
I left you a late comment on FB – but I’ll mirror it (or maybe expound on it) a bit here… There is a song, by folk singer Stephen Stiles – “Love the One You’re With”… Lyrics go something like “If you can’t be with the one you love, then love the one your with.”
I suspect this was written about personal relationships… Thankfully I am with the one I love and love the one I’m with – so that’s not really an issue in my camp – but….
I dreamed of a life more like Richard Proeneke… Solitude in the Alaskan wilderness… Log Cabin in the middle of a hundred thousand undeveloped acres, no road access, living off the land, responsible for me, myself, and I. Amen.
Yeah, that never happened. In all reality that would NEVER have happened… Could it have happened to a (much) lesser extent? Yup. But – here I am – I don’t even have a cabin or a camper… I’m lucky if I get to go out fishing once or twice a year – and even luckier if I get out hunting ONCE a year. It’s nothing like what I expected… Truthfully, the closest I get to what I once dreamed of is a Chimena fire on the back patio a few times a year…
Ya know what though? It’s not what I once dreamed of, but dammit – what I do have is not that bad…
Is my house smaller than I want / need? Yup.
Is my mortgage bigger than I want? Yup.
Do I have more kids (and chaos) than anticipated? Oh yeah!
Is my job killing me (stress, sleep deprivation, etc)? Indeed…
But, it is MY life. I may as well choose to enjoy it… If you can’t have the life you want, then love the life you have.
(But, in the interest of honest disclosure – I DO get overwhelmed (or “underwhelmed”) with my life from time to time as well….)
Glass is half full moment – That picture is BEAUTIFUL!!
Good thoughts David and I don’t want to sound “unhappy” necessarily. But, I think as we all look back, there’s always “that guy” whose life we measure ours against. The human body is capable of doing so many things, and this world of ours is so huge, that to think that, I am now just over the peak of my “good years” and I’ve done relatively so little with it when you consider how much there is to do…it’s just kinda sad really.
But then, I’m sure there are people measuring their life against mine and feeling like they got the short end of the stick, so the grass IS always greener I’m sure.
I don’t want to trade my life for someone else’s…but perhaps I’m just curious where a few different decisions may have taken me.
I swear we are twins.. LOL
To me, this quote rings so true.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
― Mark Twain
We were both in the situation that any risky actions could have serious consequences. I do love my security so acting stupid was never worth it. Even though my stupidity led me into risky situations at times.
Around this time every year I always say next year, I’m gonna change things. In small ways I do, but this year I did change things and it’s worked out pretty good. The adventure part hasn’t started yet, but soon it may. Maybe next year
I still say you can change things. Perhaps you and mama need a fun get-away without the kids. Yes, you will have to spend money.
Weekend trips with the kids would be good too. Something new, different, and adventurous. If you plan them, then it’ll get you excited about the weekend even more. A $200 trip can be just as much fun or more than a $2000 trip. More fun that a retaining wall. You live in a great location! Interstates to the best beaches, MAJOR airline hub, great music venues, plenty of sports, and probably so much more.
But most of all, skip the mistress
Thanks for the message JP. Good old Mark Twain…wise man. To your point about the getaways…it’s not the money…Lord, I’ll happily spend the money for an exciting weekend away! It’s more the three kids. I don’t have any family nearby, and with the exception of my wife’s mom and dad (who both still work full time), there’s no one else around who we feel would want to keep three kids while we’re off partying. Even leaving them with the in-laws feels wrong somehow. One kid…no problem. Two…OK. But three? That’s a “We owe you big-time” kinda favor.
There was a reason I only wanted two kids (well, several reasons actually and this kind of situation was one of them).
We do need to get away WITH the kids more and now that our youngest is getting older it will be easier. I hope!
Maybe I’ve got Christmas movies on the mind, but this made me think of George Bailey…and how he discounted how important his being “here” instead of “there” was to so many people. Call me a sap; I’m okay with that because I believe it.
And I love the Mark Twain quote in the comment above.
An old boyfriend used to preach his mantra, “this is as good as it’s going to get!” I frequently thought it sounded negative and depressing, but really it was more of a reminder that this IS as good as it’s going to get, in THIS moment. You just have to live in the moment and give your life your all. Be present in every day and you will find happiness.
My husband (and now daughter) frequently let me know that it’s their opinion I will never be happy, never could be happy, nowhere, no how. If I was in the Amazon I would be dreaming of NYC and in California I’d be thinking of Minnesota. To a certain extent they’re right. I’m okay with that. I’m not a simple person and I don’t want to be. My husband is happy staring at a wall or sitting on a porch looking at traffic. It’s just not me. Manhattan is exhausting, but it’s amazing. Yet I still don’t want to live there. I guess I’m saying life is complicated. You understood about the kids much sooner than I, it’s only now that I realize having another one was a questionable endeavor. Yet of course once it happens you can’t look back. Maybe at some point in the next 5 years you can institute a vacation for you, just you, where one week a year you do what Chris wants to do. I think it could help and be something to look forward to. My opinion, you deserve it. And whatever else you want to do, do it now. I’m 51 at this point, looking back, wishing I’d done more when it didn’t seem so late.
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