My wife forwarded me an e-mail joke (aka “spam”) yesterday and prefaced it with “Not that I’m saying this about you, but it is cute.”
The joke can be found here (I would recommend reading it so my blog entry here makes sense).
In rebuttal, I offer the following (and I preface it with the same sentiments):
Dear Customer Support,
I recently upgraded from SignificantOther6.8 to Spouse1.0 with the “Wife and Mother” add-on and I’m having nothing but problems.
To start with, none of the premium features that I purchased for SignificantOther 6.8 migrated over. I spent a lot of money on add-ons such as “Menu Planner,” “Money Matters” and “Movie Guide 1.5” and now when I try to access them, I get an error message.
After only six months of use, the interface has completely changed too. What used to be a fairly clean and resource-lean GUI (graphical user interface) is now a cluttered mess that requires frequent manual cleanup. My recycle bin fills up faster than I can clean it out!
I tried to import my preferences but the import program somehow screwed up, corrupted the database and now anytime I want to do something, it asks me, “Are you sure you wish to make this change?” And of course the “Do not ask me this again” checkbox doesn’t work.
The Time Manager feature is equally flawed. The only tasks it allows me to input are those that fall under the “Work” and “Family” category. When I try to access the “Free Time” and “Leisure” headings, they either appear blank or refuse to allow me to block off more than 15 minutes at a time.
And I swear, if this damn thing asks me one more time to install “Personal Makeover 5.2” I’m gonna uninstall it and throw away the disk.
I’m really about done with this application. Were it not for the SignficantOther 6.8 application nagging me for the last 8 months about upgrading, I would have stuck with the tried and true.
Please respond with patches, or else an offer of a refund.
Dear valued Spouse 1.0 customer,
We apologize for the inconvenience your new software has caused you, but it is our policy not to refund the purchase price of the software unless the application is defective in some way. From what you’ve described, your application is operating as designed. It’s true that many of your premium features from Significant Other 6.8 will not work with Spouse 1.0, but that is because the code is completely different.
Due to some core Operating System requirements, Spouse 1.0 required extensive overhauling in order to operate in today’s newer computing platforms. Whereas all versions of the SignificantOther software were built on the less stable but faster “Gen X” platform, “Gen Y” is now the industry standard and we were forced to modify the codebase in order to remain competitive.
However, we can offer some workarounds. If you go to our Web site at:
YourNewLife.com and access the “Support” page, you can download the following patch: – LearnToLiveWithIt 1.2
This patch includes several “updates” that should help you navigate your new software with a minimum of fuss.
As a valued customer, we want to ensure your satisfaction, so we are also offering you the “Family Pack” at no additional charge. It includes the following:
- an upgraded personal dictionary with “family approved” vocabulary words
- an easy to follow home maintenance guide
- investment guide, including “living will templates” pre-formatted with everything you need to take care of your family when you’re gone
- region-specific maps pinpointing the closest soccer fields, shopping malls and mini-van dealers
- porn blocker software
If after installing these updates, you still feel that the software is not living up to your expectations, please contact one of our helpful representatives who will work with you to ensure your satisfaction.