Letter to the Medela breastpump manufacturer

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Dear Medela,

I am writing you to express my profound joy at never having to listen to the sound of your breast pumps again. After two children and nearly a year of my life watching my wife use your product, I am on my knees thanking the good Lord that we are done with your product and that I will never again be awakened to the sound of the in and out suction and whirring noise emanating from your pump that you have so cleverly disguised within a computer bag. In addition, here are a few other things I won’t miss about your pump:

  • Having to drag it EVERYWHERE we go; on vacation, to church, intermediate-length car rides, etc. You cannot imagine how awkward this annoying thing is…not to mention that in order to save time, my wife uses it whilst driving (to mine own horrid fascination). This is accompished under the cover of a poncho-like drape that conceals what’s actually going on.
  • The inevitable delay of my wife coming to bed due to having to pump before doing so. This is especially troubling because of the timing involved. As my wife and I equally share responsibilities around the house, each of us ends up putting one of our children to bed, then one or both of us shower while the other putts around filling bottles with milk for daycare the next day, etc. However, when I’m ready to crawl in to bed, my wife is not because she has to pump. Therefore, I turn on the TV and by the time she gets in bed, I’m into whatever it is I’m watching and “relations” subsequently suffers.
  • That additional cord in the car so that my wife can pump whilst travelling. Between my Sirius radio tuner, my radar detector, and the DVD player for the kids, the last thing I want is yet another darned cord plugged into the cigarette lighter socket powering the pump. Not only that, but you have apparently designed your car adapter to blow fuses every month and unless the wife tells the husband what’s going on, she assumes the entire apparatus is bad and spends another $14 on what is really a 25 cent fix. Shame on you!
  • washing those darned tiny bottles. Nuff said!
  • etc.

In short Medela Inc., you have stolen enough of my joy for one lifetime–time that I will never be able to reclaim–and for this I bid you goodbye, farewall, arive derche and adios!

Sincerely,

A Happy Man

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