For as long as I can remember, men have been complaining about a lack of sex from their mates (and I use “mates” in the usual sense and not in the Australian sense, because that would be kind of weird to think about). It’s bad enough when a couple is single, but when you add kids into the mix, finding time, much less the right time, to have sex becomes a near impossibility!
Granted, there are times when even us men couldn’t care less about sex. I know this might come as a surprise to some, but it’s true. We have our moments just like women do and they are as unpredictable as earthquakes (and probably just as rare). Of course, with women, there are several days each month when the lack of sex IS a predictable thing, but you show me a guy who knows which days these are before they occur and I’ll show you a guy with way too much time on his hands.
It occurred to me the other day though, that there might be a way to help my brethren deal with this problem. And by doing so, men could plan accordingly, and rather than looking like inconsiderate, selfish boobs when we sidle up next to our beloved during these times, we could instead come off appearing sympathetic and perhaps even (gasp!) sensitive.
I propose a new Web site, just for men, called: Don’t Forget!
Now bear with me here! Here’s how it works:
Don’t Forget! lets a man track his lady’s cycle by inputting either the beginning or end of its calendar date, as near as he can figure it. To come up with the beginning date, some men can use the day in which he found her crying over the latest ejection from American Idol. Other men might determine the start date by inconspicuously providing a bowl of chocolate kisses and monitoring it for increased activity.
This may be too inexact a science for some guys and for them, including the last day of his lady’s cycle might work better. This might be the day before she “lets” him have sex again, or when he notices she’s stopped wearing sweat pants to bed.
I want to explain at this point that this will not be an exact science. We’re going for a “window” of time here, not specific dates, since each woman is different.
Now where this all pays off, is by allowing men to input their cell phone number, blackberry and/or e-mail addresses so that approximately three days before the estimated start of her cycle, he’ll get a reminder notification. Three days should be ample time for a guy to plan a few hours away from the house with the kids, a surprise bouquet of flowers, or to ensure that he’s returned all of the kid’s cartoon Netflix movies and has therefore, lots of chick-flicks on hand. And tissues…lots of tissues.
The brains behind Don’t Forget! are carefully crafted mathematical algorithms based on years of medical science to help calculate an average beginning and end time each month. For the man who is more in-tune with his lover, a short questionnaire can be filled out and factored into the equation for even greater accuracy. This, coupled with an online “Tips” page that will help men recognize “the signs,” should come pretty close to guessing the beginning, end and total duration throughout the year.
There would be a small subscription fee of course, because after all, genius must get paid; but, I think most men would gladly pay a small fee if it meant he stayed on his sweetheart’s good side each month.
The more I think about it, the creepier it sounds more viable it seems.
And with that little social problem solved, I think I’ll move onto my next one: Male Mid-Life Crisis–Verified Medical Phenomena, or Just an Excuse?